I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
