The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
