So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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