I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
