the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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