Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
