I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
two words...techno handjob
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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