I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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