I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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