Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
