I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
