i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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