i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
