You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
