What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
