My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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