apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
