Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
