I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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