i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
