she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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