dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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