omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
