I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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