dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
