dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
