You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
