You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
