He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
