a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
