There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's never too late to be topless.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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