I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You left your underwear on the fireplace
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
