So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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