she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
pop tarts are not kleenex
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We left the knife in your bed.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
