The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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