3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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