My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
