I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
