I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
