I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
