I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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