I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
