Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
