I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
