I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
