I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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