You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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