Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
