My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
