You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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