dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
