Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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